How NOT to deal with problems in your house

Students are messy creatures. Our half-empty cans of cider clutter up the kitchen side, we leave food out until even the flies won’t go near it and the floor is so sticky that the journey from the door to the fridge takes the best part of half an hour. Cue a series of unwanted visitors – namely rats and mice…

In the 1700s, the chicas used to style their hair so that it towered three feet above their heads. Because it took such a long time to prepare, their hair was only let down three times a year and when it was, the various bugs that had been settled there for the past four months would come tumbling out. Consequently, out came the mice to get nomming. The servants would then whizz about catching the mice and skinning them while the ladies got busy with their eyebrow tweezers. Apparently, strips of soft mouse-skin make great replacements for eyebrows.

Rather than skinning the four-legged critters and gluing their fur to your face, it’s probably best to stick to the more modern method and blitz ‘em with mouse-traps and a sizeable lump of Cheddar. Excellent advice, I hear you say? There’s more where that came from:

Problem: The heating breaks. In December. Don't: drink 15 cups of tea in a bid to get warm - your bladder will burst. Do: Cancel naked Thursdays, penguin-huddle for warmth (see 'Frozen Planet' for the how-to)

Problem: You discover gone-off milk in the fridge. Don’t: claim Morrisons is too far away and proceed to ignore the yellow flakes that spray everywhere when you undo the lid, the solidified lumps that splash into your coffee and the accompanying putrid smell. Do: don the rubber gloves, struggle against your gag reflex and deposit offending item safely in the bin

Problem: The bin is now overflowing. Don’t: Take the bin out – gross! It smells and there’s a bottle of gone-off milk at the top. Do: Leave it on the side with that half-empty can of cider

Problem: Your neighbours have developed a sudden love of late-night DnB. Don’t: yell ‘EARTHQUAKE!’ when the walls start to move of their own accord. Do: glue valuable personal belongings to the shelves and retaliate by playing Justin Beiber at the highest possible volume (who knows, you may unwittingly create the next Glee-style mash-up)…